Life is full of compromises and I'm finding myself facing another one.

Last November, I was let go from an 8-year graphic design job and decided to use that opportunity to change careers and try to go full time doing work with my camera.

At first, there seemed to be great potential to really make a go at it. I was getting phone calls for music videos and feature films and it looked like my calendar was going to be bursting at the seams for the coming year. I was thrilled to be doing for a living what I am most passionate about in my life.

There was one fatal flaw... I had yet to learn that most opportunities in this business fail to launch successfully. Even though the intentions are good, the financing doesn't always come through. I've mentioned this before in a previous blog entry but this time I'm not complaining, just saying how it is. The flaw was that I didn't account for this failure rate. The flaw was also in not knowing that in order to make this kind of career work, it requires constant hustling and I am simply not a hustler, it is just not in my DNA no matter how hard I try. To compound this, competition is fiercer than it has ever been in this field. We are so oversaturated with camera operators these days, no one is really interested in someone who can produce pretty pictures, per se.

I frequent many film forums on the Web and I never cease to be amazed with the camera gear that some young kids have in their possession. There are pictures of HD cameras rigged out with a mattebox, camera crane, HD monitor, 35mm adapter....I mean, some of these rigs compete with cameras I see on a film set. While a lot of this equipment will never make it out the door of their mom's laundry room, there are many kids that are highly talented and are great hustlers and seem to have this boundless energy to sell themselves. These are the people who are getting the work. Not only do they have what I lack in terms of being able to sell myself to others, they can afford to sell themselves short too. They have little responsiblities in life and can go work for someone at an absurdly low day rate.

Then you've got the old farts like me who can't afford to come in at the low end of the scale and, many times, it's a no-brainer for those hiring. Now, that's not to say that the only people getting work are young hotshots. There are people like me who have been lucky to find consistent work, who have gotten over the hump of having to run here there and yon to get work. I want to be there but the road to that dream is too long for me to travel right now. I cannot bear the unstable and inconsistent financial implications.

What is all this rambling about? I'm not sure but I have resigned myself to finding another full time job probably in graphic design because I have to. This is one of life's compromises. I have gotten passed the point of being bummed because the relief of making some regular money to pay bills and put food on the table for my family far outweighs the lost opportunities of taking the cool projects that come my way.

Having said all that, it may be that this is just not the time in my life for this to happen. It also maybe that something great will happen tomorrow, who knows? I have lost none of the fire inside to keep shooting. There is an opportunity out there that will prove to be lucrative for me. I am confident I will find it sometime in my life and I will continue my search. Until then, I need to keep my head above water. The feeling is bitter sweet.